It's not like anyone reads these anyway...so honesty here I come

I am going to pre-emt this post with the following statement: I am tired of constantly reading the rosy tinted spectacle style posts permeating the internet. I just want to be incredibly real.  My life is not a constant barrage of moments that will induce "LIKES".  Sometimes, it requires starting your day with a bowl of fruit loops and instagraming the lonely loop that's left in the bowl (because it some how understands how you feel.)

I woke up this morning to some fantastic news.  My brother and his fabulous wife are pregnant, again!  I think it is such a blessing to have such wonderful nieces and nephews. (Even if sadly, I only get to see them once a year.) I love being 'Auntie Anne'.  While I am so incredibly excited for the addition to my extended family, my heart breaks just a little that I STILL have not had a baby of my own.  (Four years in the trying and counting - a tiny amount of time compared to some people but an eternity for the worlds most impatient girl). I'll admit, I feel incredibly selfish confessing this.  I will proceed with my confession none the less. 

Every time I see my friends beautiful babies, I simply think, "Man, I am a failure. I can't do that.  I can't make one of those."  My husband tells me not to worry about it.  I remind him, that is pretty much the same as telling me not to breath.

Why am I sharing all this?  There has to be someone else who knows what this feels like.  Maybe I think sharing it will some how make it easier?  Maybe I think if I can put it into the universe, I can some how let it go.  Who the hell knows.

I am putting it out there though.  The frustrating thing is that for so long I have tried to pass it off like I don't care.  Saying, "It will happen when it's meant to." But behind closed doors I am constantly researching what I need to do to make it happen.  I have done the obvious to the bizarre. If there is a recommendation out there, yup, guaranteed, I've tried it.

What is most tiresome is the need to constantly find an excuse or reason why it still has not happened.  Sigh. I am not looking for pity. Or advice.  I promise you I have already heard it all.  I KNOW, I KNOW...when I stop worrying it will happen.

I guess I just want to say in response to the friend, who upon announcing she was expecting, asked, "Have you ever thought about having kids?"  Yup, sure.  I have.